change.

 image via google

if you know me, you know that i hate change. it's a tough thing for me to grasp, life moving on when i have no say in it. i know that change is good for us and allows us to grow, but i wish i had more warning sometimes.

these past few months have been challenging. i am getting excited for the end of this year. some good things have happened to me, yes, but 2015 had a messy start. it didn't set the tone well for the rest of it, and i've had a hard time shaking that off. i am sincerely hoping that 2016 brings good things. or at least a happy beginning.

i'm big on reflection; i like to look back and see what my experiences have been over the past months or year. this is why i journal, although not nearly as often as i used to. if you're wondering what has been keeping me from this blog for the past couple of months, it's a combination of things. lack of wanting to write combined with laziness. feeling like i have nothing good to say. struggling with expression and not wanting to sound mundane.

and then there are the actual life events that keep me from coming back here. can we be honest for a minute? life gets really hard in a way that is difficult to explain to anyone. i have anxiety that i can't stop. i have sleepless nights where i  incessantly think about my past, present, and future. i need help but i fool myself into thinking that because i am a christian, relying on God should be enough to fix me. (spoiler alert: sometimes you just need extra, physical help and there is nothing wrong with that.) and i am deeply affected by what happens around me: a friend's mother unexpectedly dying, my own mother's struggle with mental illness, relationships that can't and don't work out. lots of heaviness.

i'm sorry if it sounds like i'm complaining and have become the most negative person in the world. not every day is awful. circumstances just have a way of sneaking up at the same time and splitting me into little pieces, each struggling for a different reason. "this too shall pass" used to be a mantra for me, but there are certain situations that will not go away quickly and are not bound to be resolved for a long time. that's probably the hardest part. when there is no end in sight, how do you get past it? 

anyway, i wanted to come back to this space and start being present here again. don't worry, the future posts won't all be like this. in fact, there is a lot of good among the difficult right now. i have supportive friends and overall, a great life. i am happy. i am also trying to keep my head above water. if you're also having a hard time right now, give a listen to this song. it's been playing nonstop for me and helps keep me grounded.