She Reads Truth :: starting over

A lot of women have talked about She Reads Truth. I tried it once a long time ago, but I remember something about having to pay for the plan I was interested in, or some other thing that turned me off to it. I didn't want to get involved with it at the time. Now I'm in this strange situation where my church has closed and I haven't gone to another one, give or take a few Sundays with friends. What's weirder is that I haven't felt like it. I almost feel like I'm making up for lost time; for six years I was devoted to serving at my church as the worship leader. I loved it, but I was tired and worn down. The church in itself was a struggle that never really ended until it closed its doors last September. After that happened, I feel like I shut down. I haven't felt motivated to go to church again. Not because I don't love God, but because I am hesitant and afraid to start over. It was very true that I needed to take a break from all of it when the church was done. I desperately needed a detox period from the past six years. And of course, I could use the excuse that I couldn't find another church to call home right away. Now, six months later, I think I have found a church I feel comfortable in. However, I've resorted to watching their sermons online on Sunday mornings. That is safer to me than actually going and having to be around believers I don't know and struggling through worship, missing it so much. Instead I get to stay in my cozy bed, singing to myself and being alone. And I like it. I'm not sure the detox period is over yet. But I do feel disconnected from everything: God, community, making time to grow in my faith, music. I've barely played my guitar since church ended, much less played any worship music. I feel listless and weird. Some days I wonder if I am still a Christian because I'm not going to church or investing much time in my relationship with Jesus. But I know I am. I've never stopped believing. I am just searching to get back on track and I don't know how.

All this is to say that today She Reads Truth came into my mind for whatever reason. I looked around the site a little and was glad to find this devotional. I am a big fan of hymns, and having worshiped in a 175 year old church, I made sure hymns were a part of worship often. They are some of my favorite songs to sing and play. Today I read the first one to see I would get anything out of it, because I haven't gotten much out of anything as of late. But these are the kinds of times that God speaks. He finds a way to get through to me.

"God has planned that my best life is right here, right now, even with the hurt and loneliness and worry that comes right along with all the incredibly good things. The truth wins each and every time-- if only I look to it."

"Rescuing is His specialty in my life."

"Whatever I think I don't have, I have in Him."

Plus some relevant verses:

"You have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith my be found to result in praise at the revelation of Jesus." - 1 Peter 1:6-7

"Perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love." - 1 John 4:18

"Let us hold fast to the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful." - Hebrews 10:23

Sometimes I feel discouraged when I look at other women of faith and I feel like they are so focused and "good at being Christians" and I am not. I have always felt rough around the edges and not someone who is happy all the time, constantly telling everyone, "Jesus is soooo amazing!" That's just not me, and probably never will be. Do I need to try harder and make faith a priority? Yes. Do I need to go back to church again? Yes. Is it okay for me to take baby steps and not jump back in all at once? Yes. The important thing is I'm trying, and I need to remind myself that it's okay. I am my own person with my own relationship with God, and I am starting over.