weddings & thoughts on worry

This past weekend was a whirlwind. Fast paced, exhausting, joyous, and emotional. One of my closest friends got married, and anyone who knows me knows that I have been to a lot of weddings. 18, to be exact, with two more on the way in 2016 (I just counted). Some of those have been my best and dearest friends. I had a very specific feeling on Elizabeth's day, which took me by surprise: it was hard for me to give her away. I know that's not even my right or responsibility. But, as Elizabeth comically printed in the program by my name, I am a "momma bear". I care for my friends so deeply. I could not just let her go to any man-- he'd better be a good one! Luckily, James is a great guy and I love him like my own brother, so I was 100% on board with Elizabeth marrying him. But I still found myself struck by how much I love this sister of mine and how emotional I felt about releasing her to James, in a sense. I know we are still going to be super close and that won't change. I guess I just don't take it lightly when my friends get married! Is there such a thing as too much love in a friendship?

While we're being honest, I'm going to throw this out into the universe: I started therapy a couple of weeks ago. It was time. I often say I should have started going when I was 15, so I'm only 14 years late to that party! I have struggled with anxiety for far too long on my own, and I finally realized that I can't fix it by myself. The other side of that was thinking I didn't need to seek help because I'm a Christian (I know how stupid that sounds, trust me). If I put all my hope and trust in the Lord, I'll be healed, right? Doesn't God know more than all of us and could help me more than any other person on Earth? I believe that faith does help my issues a good amount, but I had to eventually give in to this simple fact: there is no shame in talking to someone who is trained and equipped to supply you with wisdom to better your health. Key words: " no shame". This also goes along with a thought I often have in my head when talking to non-believers: "Putting your faith in God can't hurt you. It can only help you. You have nothing to lose by trying." The same concept applies.

I was reading through Job the other day in the midst of feeling overwhelmed. Some might think that book is depressing because the whole thing is about Job's suffering and lamenting. But I have so many highlights in that section of my Bible because it not only showcases Job's perseverance, but that it's okay to suffer and struggle. We aren't meant to be in a good place 100% of the time. We are, however, meant to seek Jesus both in good times and bad:

"When times are good, be happy; but when times are bad, consider this: God has made one as well as the other." - Ecclesiastes 7:14.

While reading through Job, I found this verse: "Submit to God and be at peace with Him; in this way prosperity will come to you. Accept instruction from His mouth and lay up His words in your heart. If you return to the Almighty, you will be restored. (Job 22:21)". One of the problems with feeling anxious is that I completely forget to give my problems over to God. I am so short sighted during those times that I don't even think about stopping to pray-- I just keep worrying. Jewel said it best: "worry is wasteful and useless in times like these" (man, I miss the 90's). But unless I give it to Him, the worry will not only continue, it will increase.

I started thinking about the "be at peace with Him" part of the verse. Aren't I usually at peace with God? Well, not all the time. Sometimes I wonder why life has to be so hard, we all do. But unless I seek Him, I won't get remotely close to finding an answer to that question. It goes hand in hand: submit to God, only then will you be at peace with Him. And as I continue to do that, I believe my heart will start to change into less worry, more hope. Cheers to that concept.

Hello :: a parody for Christmas

images via google

In honor of going to get our tree this Sunday-- a parody about a sad, pathetic Christmas tree. Enjoy!

----------------------

Hello, it’s Tree

I was wondering if after all these months you’ll cut me

So you can decorate everything

They say that you’re supposed to trim me, but I ain’t done much blinging

Hello, can you see me

I’m in the forest dreaming of the tree I’d like to be

Now that I’m older and green

I’ve forgotten how it felt before when I was so tiny

There’s such a difference between stumps

And a million kinds

Hello from the other pines

I must have swayed a thousand times

To tell you I’m ready for some Christmas fun

But when you walk by me, you don’t take me home

Hello from the outside

At least I can say that I tried

To tell you I’m dying if I don’t get cut down

But it don’t matter, you clearly want to pick someone else

Like a fir

Hello, how are you

It’s so typical of me to invade your house, I’m sorry

I hope your ceiling’s tall

Did you have to cut my top off like nothing ever happened

It’s no secret that my branches slump

And I can’t hold lights

So hello from the other pines

I must have swayed a thousand times

To tell you I’m ready for some Christmas fun

But when you walk by me, you don’t take me home

Hello from the outside

At least I can say that I tried

To tell you I’m dying if I don’t get cut down

But it don’t matter, you clearly want to pick someone else

Like a fir

beauty review :: dessange purifying clay

image via google

Not gonna lie... I'm a sucker for products. I try to be a minimalist and I certainly don't have drawers full of makeup I'll never use, but I do give in to things I want to try. So when I saw the Dessange Purifying Clay hair mask in an xoVain article, I really wanted to see if it lives up to the hype. 

The appeal stems from a few key points. First, you can get this mask at Target. Since I have a Target card, I always buy whatever I can there! Yay discounts and free shipping! Second, this is a pre-shampoo mask. I can let it sit on my head for 10 minutes before my shower and multi-task. I love that it doesn't involve an extra step in the shower aside from rinsing it out. Lastly, I really wanted to give it a shot because I have always had oily roots, even by day two of clean hair. So if this product was going to work for anyone, it would be me.

Here's the rundown:

I applied the clay mask to my hair using the brush applicator. That was fun, it made me feel like I was at the salon. Per the instructions, I just applied to my roots and massaged it really well before letting it sit for about 8 minutes. (I'll try 10 next time.) I rinsed it out in the shower before shampooing and made sure to give my head a thorough scrub so none of it was left behind. Easy peasy. 

Today is day two post-shampoo and I have to say, my roots don't feel greasy. I'm trying to figure out if that's just in my head-- but even if it is, it's working! I normally feel the need to use some dry shampoo just to touch up, but I didn't and my roots still feel clean. I try to go about three days without washing my hair unless I desperately need to, and day three is usually way oily, so I am going to wait until tomorrow and assess the situation. If it's really doing its job, this is an answered prayer. And at $12, it's not breaking the bank. So far, I recommend this if you have oil-prone roots!

lazy days + lazy meal

via foxes love lemons

  

I am a textbook extrovert. I love being social, only need a rare day to myself once in a while, and I like to keep busy. But with cold weather coming on and lots of activities on the calendar for the upcoming holidays, I have learned that it's best to slow down a bit. And you know what? I enjoy it. 

I took it easy this weekend... a good balance of getting my social fix and having time to myself. I had two great conversations with friends. One was a Bonefish girl's night with my friend Drea, which we do every few months and it's the best. We have such a good time catching up on life and splurging on drinks & seafood. The other was a coffee date Saturday morning with my friend Renee at our local coffeehouse. (Lavender-vanilla lattes for the win!) I hadn't seen her since our church closed and it was a refreshing time to talk to her and plan to get together again, since she basically lives down the street from me. Never underestimate the importance of good friends, laughter, and meaningful conversation.

The rest of the weekend I spent at home relaxing, getting a massage Sunday, watching That 70's Show on Netflix, and doing laundry. And I finally did something I've been meaning to restart for a long time: cooking a meal for the work week.

Here's the thing. Being a single girl is great because I get to do whatever I want, whenever I want. I don't have to worry about anyone else. It's a selfish life, but I'm not complaining! So you can understand my dilemma when it comes to food. I like to cook, but I don't often want to go to the store just to buy specific ingredients for a meal that will feed an army and there is only me to eat it. And sometimes, I just do not want to cook. Especially during a lazy weekend. But the other side of it is that I need food for lunch during the work week. And I hate trying to come up with a new lunch every single day. Enter: the Crock Pot.

After a quick Google search, I found this recipe for a burrito bowl with chicken. It cooked in the Crock Pot for four hours total. All I had to do was add the ingredients and then do a massive amount of laundry while I waited. This is now my favorite type of cooking. I have a meal for the entire week and I barely had to do anything! I have a feeling this will be my new Sunday routine. It feels good to have something homemade, yet super easy. And at the end, you only have one pot to wash. YES.

If you have any favorite slow cooker recipes, leave them in the comments!

currently :: 013

1.  a friend bought me this! best surprise.

2. it's a month filled with both birth and death, which has been strange. my friend ashley gave birth to her first beautiful baby boy this week. i also had to attend a memorial service for my friend's mom, who will be greatly missed. happy + sad extremes.

3. i need to get cracking on christmas shopping. every year i wait until black friday/cyber monday and do it all at once (because hello, deals). but then i get calls from my credit card company asking me if i've had my identity stolen because who would spend $300 on Old Navy sweaters? yeahhhh.

4.  every few months i have a dinner date with a good friend that i don't see super often. we always go to Bonefish and stay there until like 11 PM. i am so looking forward to that. there's nothing like a good, long chat with your girlfriends.

5. can someone explain this november weather to me? sometimes it's warm, sometimes it's so not. HELP.

6.  a PSA to everyone who cares about the Starbucks cups: you need to find a hobby or something.

7.  my favorite coffee shop has this maple latte that is soooo good. they make up special drinks every month and they are always delicious. plus every time i'm at the register, i'm tempted to buy a bacon-filled chocolate bar. WIN.

8. speaking of maple flavors-- these KIND bars. yum!

9. i need boots. specifically, black-maybe suede-everyday-casual but cute-can go with a lot of things boots. (i'm starting to understand why men think we are complicated.)

10. my favorite book has been made into a movie. i am scared to see it... after reading this book countless times over the past 14 years (woah), i have such a clear vision of the characters as i see them in my mind. the movie will probably ruin that. side note: i have read all of her novels and she is my favorite. give it a try! (start with the Big Stone Gap series.)

flamingle-ing and monkey assualt: a day at the zoo

Over the weekend, Laura, my sister and I went to the Baltimore zoo. I hadn't been in ages and I incessantly whine to Laura about the lack of animals in my life right now, so it was either this or get me a pet (never gonna happen).

To start, this one of my favorite memes to ever float around the internet:

So naturally, I was more than thrilled to find my tribe. I think I fit right in.

 

I bet they're all single too. I feel you, my sisters! (I assume they're all female.)

I lounged on a polar bear, which was actually super uncomfortable and I think my back is bruised:

The penguins were particularly friendly that day. My sister gave them a classic Native American name: White Eyebrow.

I have had a special love of lemurs ever since I saw an episode of Miami Ink. A girl came in to get tattooed with her pet lemur. It cuddled with her while she got work done. That soft tail! Where can I get one?

My sister wouldn't stop singing the song from Madagascar, by the way. And here is one doing yoga/meditating. He was pretty zen. Arms outstretched, opening his heart to the world. Way to focus, lemur. You do you.

And now for the highlight of the day. We went to the chimpanzee exhibit. Laura has had a strong resistance toward monkeys for a long time, and watching Planet of the Apes didn't help. She says they are too intelligent and aggressive. I agree, but considering we were at the zoo and not Jane Goodall-ing it out in the jungle, I figured we were pretty safe. After all, the monkeys are behind a strong wall. And the whole point of the zoo is to look at them, right?

So, we roll through the monkey area... watching them swing and play and take naps (super cute, by the way). We made our way to a section that had a huge enclosure with four or five chimps in it. We were watching for a while, not doing anything, just observing. The biggest chimp, who is sitting closest to us, started clapping. How fun and cute, we said! Two seconds later... he pursed his lips like so...

 

... makes eye contact with us, gets a wild look in his eye, and CHARGES. He stampedes toward us, picks up his giant water bowl, throws it at us, and then comes at us full force and slams his whole body angrily into the glass right where we are standing. We FREAKED. I'm pretty sure we all screamed... and I'm laughing to myself right now, but it was pretty scary in the moment. Even though there was a wall between us and he obviously couldn't get out, the way he came at us scared the crap out of us. One minute he seemed fine and the next, he was trying to body check us through the wall with pure rage. Needless to say, Laura's worst nightmare came true :) Here's some photo evidence of the aftermath:

You can see the chimp's handprints on the wall where he slammed into it. Laura's reaction alone made the whole trip worthwhile :) I have to say that one of the other chimps was very lovely. He came up to us and was putting his hand up to ours, interacting calmly. Laura even participated.

Note to self: If you visit the zoo, don't make eye contact with the giant apes.

change.

 image via google

if you know me, you know that i hate change. it's a tough thing for me to grasp, life moving on when i have no say in it. i know that change is good for us and allows us to grow, but i wish i had more warning sometimes.

these past few months have been challenging. i am getting excited for the end of this year. some good things have happened to me, yes, but 2015 had a messy start. it didn't set the tone well for the rest of it, and i've had a hard time shaking that off. i am sincerely hoping that 2016 brings good things. or at least a happy beginning.

i'm big on reflection; i like to look back and see what my experiences have been over the past months or year. this is why i journal, although not nearly as often as i used to. if you're wondering what has been keeping me from this blog for the past couple of months, it's a combination of things. lack of wanting to write combined with laziness. feeling like i have nothing good to say. struggling with expression and not wanting to sound mundane.

and then there are the actual life events that keep me from coming back here. can we be honest for a minute? life gets really hard in a way that is difficult to explain to anyone. i have anxiety that i can't stop. i have sleepless nights where i  incessantly think about my past, present, and future. i need help but i fool myself into thinking that because i am a christian, relying on God should be enough to fix me. (spoiler alert: sometimes you just need extra, physical help and there is nothing wrong with that.) and i am deeply affected by what happens around me: a friend's mother unexpectedly dying, my own mother's struggle with mental illness, relationships that can't and don't work out. lots of heaviness.

i'm sorry if it sounds like i'm complaining and have become the most negative person in the world. not every day is awful. circumstances just have a way of sneaking up at the same time and splitting me into little pieces, each struggling for a different reason. "this too shall pass" used to be a mantra for me, but there are certain situations that will not go away quickly and are not bound to be resolved for a long time. that's probably the hardest part. when there is no end in sight, how do you get past it? 

anyway, i wanted to come back to this space and start being present here again. don't worry, the future posts won't all be like this. in fact, there is a lot of good among the difficult right now. i have supportive friends and overall, a great life. i am happy. i am also trying to keep my head above water. if you're also having a hard time right now, give a listen to this song. it's been playing nonstop for me and helps keep me grounded.

god's timing

If any of you out there are my fellow Christians, then you know a thing or two about God's timing. I find that my own personal experiences with this is the best way to explain to someone (specifically non-believers) why I believe. No one can deny personal examples of how God has worked in your life. They might not choose to believe it for themselves, but they can't tell you that your experiences aren't real. So every time I feel like a blatant "God Thing" has happened in my life, I try to journal about it or store it somewhere in my brain to pull out when I want to share my own version of the good news.

One of these examples came to me over the weekend. A month or so ago, I put "Searching for Sunday" by Rachel Held Evans on hold at my local library. Since it's a fairly new book and she is pretty popular among the Christians, it took weeks for it to get to my name on the list. It just so happens I got my turn to read it when my pastor made the official announcement that my church is closing.

The book's tagline is "loving, leaving, and finding the church". I knew it was about Rachel's experience of leaving her church and trying to find a new one, but I didn't know that there would be a big chunk about how she and a few friends started their own church... and how it failed after just one year. (Side note: my pastor and I have had many conversations about how we will not consider the closing of our church a "failure", but that's the word Rachel chooses to use in her book.) While reading about her experience and struggling through my own feelings about the place where I've lead worship, felt community, and attended for five years, I found myself comforted by her thoughts on the subject. Particularly this part:

"Even our unsuccessful church plant managed to produce some fruit of the Spirit along the way. We baptized, broke bread, preached the word, and confessed our sins. We created a sanctuary where people told the truth without fear. We worked through our differences with care and grace and we learned, perhaps the hard way, the church isn't static. It's not a building, or a denomination, or a nonprofit organization. Church is a moment in time when the kingdom of God draws near, when a meal, a story, a song, an apology, and even a failure is made holy by the presence of Jesus among us and within us."

The things she lists are so true for me and my church, and that's how I know that our little church plant was never a failure. We will all take something away from it that we learned and that helped us grow. And where God's timing comes in is how I could have bought the book months ago, or gotten it from the library a few weeks ago, but reading it then would not have been as important to me as it is right now. In the midst of having to face my church shutting down and struggling with what to do next, both as an attendee of church and a worship leader, I needed to hear Rachel's words right in this moment. Not weeks or months ago, but now. I believe that God knew it, and I believe in His timing as a testimony to share.

If you would like to watch the video announcement my pastor made about our closing, it's available here.

changes

 

image via google

That phrase is something Laura and I have started saying regularly... and often in a silly way just to laugh ("burritos, am i right?!"). If nothing else, it puts a bright spot in the day. Say it to yourself today, I guarantee it will make you feel better!

In other news. change is my middle name these days. It's basically covering all the bases of my life: 

1. Home: Laura went and got herself a boyfriend! He's great and nice and I was already friends with him, so I approve. So excited for them! Heart eyes for days.

 2. Work: I am switching teams at work. At first I was not particularly thrilled seeing as this is the first time in a year that I've actually enjoyed my job and I finally have a decent manager, but then she told us she was leaving the team too, so... bring it on.

 3. Church: We made the announcement yesterday that my church is closing its doors at the end of September. This is necessary but really not the easiest thing. I've been the worship leader there for the past five years. I will miss my team and the community.

4.  Friends: A lot of my friends are moving away. Texas, England, Hawaii... I'm happy for all of their exciting opportunities but why do they all have to leave me?!

They say life is never-ending learning experience... I'm certainly being tested on that lately. 

tunes

 A couple of songs I've been playing around the house that have been stuck in my head. Particularly in the guest room on some mornings before the roommate and I head to brunch.

Hot August

image via google

Life is an ever-eventful thing, don't you think? There hasn't been a boring moment for me yet this summer. I've had beach trips and brunches, trips to my childhood county fair and concerts, the most recent of which was Saturday (see picture above). I've been going to the Hot August Music Festival for four years now, and it's always a musician's dream. I've been getting my fill of Chris Thile with Nickel Creek being there last year and Punch Brothers this year. But the gem of the night was seeing Counting Crows for (I think) the sixth time. I was there with my friend Meghan, who I used to see CC with every summer for a long while, so that was very special for us. To top it off, Meghan's friend was washing his hands in the bathroom with Adam right next to him... and unfortunately he said that Adam was kind of a grump. But after the show started he seemed to loosen up a bit after almost dropping the mic on his face while holding the stand up in the air. (He caught it and kept singing like magic, don't worry.) We had the most amazing time, despite the sun being so hot and me sliding/falling down a small hill at one point because grass + my flip flops didn't do me any favors. If you're in the Baltimore-ish area, I highly recommend this festival every summer! Amazing music, food, drinks, and friends.

shake it off

Finally, seven months later, Laura got her Christmas present from me. T Swift came to town! It was fun, it was fabulous, it was amazing, it was a dance party. 

Excuse the quality of these pictures. I can't afford to be front row, you know.

Vance Joy was there too. He was great and cute. And Australian.

And Haim! I do love these girls. I first saw them open for Of Monsters and Men (I think) and fell in love. Nobody rocks like they do. Seriously, as an all-girl sister band in the rock genre-- they're kicking ass.

 

I'm sure you've heard of the wristbands they've been giving out with Taylor's shows. They light up to the beat of the songs and it was awesome when they first started activating.

 

On the way to the show, Laura and I kept debating which surprise celebrity would show up. After throwing around about a million names, I told Laura my gut felt like it would be Lorde. And my gut was right!

It was so much fun and I'm glad we got to go. She really does put on a great show and we danced and sang and laughed. Good times for a Monday!

29.

Behold, the best birthday present in all the land! My best friend Alicia got it for me. She knows me so well. (I secretly wish boom boxes were still popular.)

I'm 29 today. And apart from a few tears shed last night in a moment of panic while watching Shark Tank and Call the Midwives with my roommate, I feel pretty okay about it. I am excited to celebrate with my closest friends this weekend (and my sister!). I am thankful that my mom is doing okay and still with me. I feel lucky to have so many friends text me and Facebook me their well wishes. They really do love me! And I love them. I had a conversation with my good friend Elizabeth today that went like this:

E: I am so glad to have you in my life. And I plan on having you in it for the next 29 years... And beyond
S: Same! Don't ever leave me ;)
E: Never!

#friendshipgoals

 Here's a funny thing: I have had a tradition for the past 4+ years of taking off work on my birthday. This year, I thought about it and realized the only reason I ever took off was because I hated the jobs I had before this one. My birthday used to be the perfect excuse to not come into the office. But this year is so beautifully different. I like my job. My work is meaningful, and I have a great team of people. I wanted to come in today. What a good feeling.

And tonight's birthday dinner shall be Steak 'n' Shake! They just opened one near us. I haven't had their food since I was in Florida a few years ago. It's Laura's favorite (midwestern girl, you know) and I am excited for us to go tonight for the first time in forever.

29, you are not so bad.

food.

 image via google

I am such a foodie at heart. For real. I looooove food. I praise the Lord every day for good genetics and minimal gym time. The only time I hate food is after the stomach flu, which has occurred twice in the past two years. One of those times was on my friend's wedding day and it sucked.

Anyway. FOOD!

There are so many things I want to try this year after I turn 29. I think everyone has their go-to's and those are hard to get away from. I will most likely choose a specialty grilled cheese 98% of the time. And Laura gets grossed out by all the weirdo stuff I like to try (squid ink pasta, YUM). Here are some things on my list (food + places):

1. Chicken & waffles
2. Steak 'n' Shake (I have only had it once but I need it again)
3.  More authentic ramen
4. Fried green tomatoes
5. Bagel & lox
6. Woodberry Kitchen
7. Cold soup (like cucumber)
8. Croque-madame (or I'd settle for a croque-monsieur)
9. Many different kinds of mustard (never ketchup for this girl)
10. Lamb (sorry, little sheeps)
11. Quail egg
12. Bone marrow (yes, sounds disgusting but lots of people like it)
13. Fried pickles
14. Frog legs
15. Lobster roll
16.  Bánh mì

To name a few. We'll see how far I get. Half the problem is finding someone to go eat all of this with...

three days left.

image via google

I am turning 29 in three days. It terrifies me. 

You guys, I really don't want to leave my twenties. They have been the best. And now that I will only have one year left of them, it makes me feel old. I know all the over-30's out there are laughing maniacally at the screen right now. But it's weird to move into a stage of life that you don't feel like you fit into. I feel like I will be a 26-28 year old at heart for a very long time. 

My life doesn't look the same as most 29 year olds that I know. A lot of them are married by now. Some of them have two+ kids already, or have spent their twenties cultivating successful careers. But I am happy with where I am. I have an awesome roommate (and cheap rent, I might add!), so many friends that my birthday invite list was 35 people without even trying, and I keep living my life the way I want. It sounds really selfish, doesn't it? But I really enjoy not having to worry about making someone else happy. 

I've been reflecting on this past year and I wanted to make a list of 28 things I did or accomplished this year. And hopefully this will inspire me to do even more when I'm 29.

1. Experienced a dead-end job, got out of said job, became employed at a great job with great people.

2. One of my best friends had a baby. I witnessed one of my best friends get engaged. Two of my best girls got married.

3. Started getting monthly massages and it has proved to be worth it.

4. Stopped caring about working out and focused on eating better. But I will never stop eating Chick-fil-A. 

5. Went to Hawaii. (Still so amazed by that.)

6. Made it through the roughest Christmas of my life and came out the other side with a better understanding of my mother and how depression/anxiety relates to my family.

7.  Let a friend go for the right reasons with no regrets.

8. Spent some memorable, quality times with my best girlfriends.

9. Went camping for the first time.

10. Held a chinchilla.

11. Played some open mics and got a really encouraging response.

12. Discovered the joy that is Shark Tank.

13. Went to brunch a lot.

14. Worked through some hard times with my church.

15. Got really excited over my friend Emily's "long time coming" engagement.

16. Read more books.

17. Embraced Nutella/Hazelnut liqueur milkshakes.

18. Saw all these shows: Ben Folds with the BSO, Grace Potter, Ed Sheeran, Audrey Assad, Needtobreathe, Dave Barnes, Chadwick Stokes, Mae, Milo Greene, Good Old War, Matt Wertz/Dave Barnes/Jon McLaughlin, Denison Witmer/William Fitzsimmons, The Weepies.

19. Got a new tattoo.

20. Finally saw Wicked.

21.Celebrated my high school band director's retirement for an entire weekend and got to thank my elementary and middle school band directors for instilling music in me.

22. Went to my 10 year high school reunion.

23. Spent a full day resting and watching Netflix. (Literally, all day.)

24. Bought a ukulele.

25. Buffalo Wild Wings Sundays became a thing with my roommate.

26. $6.50 movies on Tuesdays.

27. Had important conversations with friends about everything from anxiety to babies to relationships to heartbreak.

28. Learned (and am still learning) how to forgive myself for things and let God take control.